Dumb criminals

[eboss]

Sometimes banks use explosive dye packs to protect their money once its been stolen. It’s a good idea not to put them in your pants.

One bank robber learned not to put the dye packs in his pants when they exploded after a recent bank robbery, according to KTRK in Houston.

The robber put the money and some of the dye packs in his pants as he left the bank. The pack exploded giving him the first case of literal blue balls in medical history.

The packs actually caused some burns…to his genitals. Make that the first case of red balls.

 

[eboss]

Manners are important during these dark and selfish times. It always had that extra bit of sunshine to someone’s day. It doesn’t matter if you’re at school, at work or at the bank holding the joint up at gunpoint.

One bank robber told a teller to “Have a nice day” during a recent robbery attempt, according to the Minnesota Star-Tribune.

The suspect walked into the bank and handed a teller a note demanding money. He concluded the note with, “Yours truly, Thanks! and have a nice day.” I hope he left a customer comment card as well because someone’s getting a “4″ in kindness.

However, the paper that he wrote the note on belonged to his father. He tried to block the personal information out but the bank was able to determine who it belonged to by using a magnetic scanning device. I wish the banks were this resourceful when they were going under.

 

[eboss]

The 911 number has done some great things in their time. They have provided us faster access to necessary services. They have increased response times to major emergencies. They have left a huge gaping loophole to catch not-so-bright criminals.

One bank robber actually called 911 after he knocked over a bank, according to the AP.

He robbed the bank, but got in an accident in his getaway vehicle. Given his intellect, he also might have stopped to exchange his information with the other driver.

He later found his roommate dead of an apparent suicide, so he called 911. Police matched his description to that of the bank robber and took him into custody. Now that’s an increased response time.

A police captain told the news service the man “was having a bad day.” No, a bad day is cutting your finger on the copier and accidentally picking up the banana cream filled Twinkie instead of the regular cream filled Twinkie. This guy was having a bad day multiplied by a cursed life and divided by a “case of the Mondays.”

 

[eboss]

How many times has this happened to you? You go to pay for something and reach around for your wallet, but there’s nothing there. You reach into all of your pockets. Nothing, nada, not a thing. So you go to the police station to file a missing wallet report and they not only tell you that they have found your wallet, but that you are also under arrest.

One man in Tennessee left his wallet at the scene of his crime, according to the Tennessean.

He tried to rob a grocery store and left his wallet behind for police to find. I hope they were able to return it to him.

Police matched the identity in the wall to a suspicious person report and eventually took him into custody. He was found guilty and could face time in jail where cigarettes are hard to find into a wallet.

 

[eboss]

It’s hard to understand exactly what goes through the mind of some people who feel they can circumvent the reach of the law. Are they innocent or guilty? Are they greedy or just trying to get enough to survive? Are they dumber than a bag of hammers or a box of rocks?

One robber held up a police chief, according to the AP.

The robber waited for the chief to come out of the men’s room before sticking a gun in his face and demanding money. Luckily the chief had some backup. About 300 officers to be exact.

Not only was the guy he robbed a police chief, but he was also attending a policeman’s convention at the same time. If only the robber had been attending a desperate felons convention, he would have stood a chance.

 

[eboss]

Lines just seem to permeate our whole world. There are lines at the bank. There are lines to get to work. There are even lines in your own home just to get to the bathroom. It’s a round world last time I checked.

For once, a line did the world good when police caught a robbery suspect waiting in line to get pizza, according to WTSP.

The robbery held up a convenience store and fled the scene before police arrived. The person she held up watched her walk to a pizza place across the street. Damn, that is convenient.

Police arrived at the scene and found the woman still waiting in line for pizza. I know what we’re all thinking: how long does it take to make a pizza? Thirty minutes or less, my ass.

 

[eboss]

One bank robbery recently pulled one of the dumbest sounding crimes you’ll hear today…and actually got away with it.

A robber in Texas knocked over a bank through the drive-thru lane, according to the AP.

He actually pulled up to the teller window and dropped them a threatening note. The teller, in fear for her safety, gave the man money and took off. Not so funny now, is it?

Police said the man is still at large.

 

[eboss]

Making out a schedule of your day is important. It helps you keep your focus, stay on task and get things done in a timely manner. Sometimes, however, it’s important to read what you actually put down on paper before you execute it.

One guy committed a robbery and then went to a police station to sign up to be an officer, according to the AP.

The man in question robbed a store and beat up an employee that approached him in the parking lot as he tried to leave the store. He then went to the police station to take his examination. I’m guessing he failed to correctly answer the question, “Are police officers allowed to commit crimes?”

As police brought him into his cell, he actually asked one of the officers if he could still take his examination even though he had just been arrested. Something tells me he probably wouldn’t have passed.

 

[eboss]

The cops arrest the wrong guy. A man sees the major mistake police have made and he realizes that he is the only one he can keep the wrong man from paying for someone else’s wrongdoing. He is…THE RIGHT GUY. Rated R, coming soon to a theater near you.

The New York Post reported one crook who actually told police he did it as they were hauling the wrong guy away.

Police arrested the wrong man for stealing two bottles of malt liquor from a nearby store and pulled a knife on the store owner. The person who allegedly saw them taking the wrong guy away decided to point out their little mistake.

He actually shouted, according to the story, “It was me you idiots, you have the wrong guy.” Police thanked the man for correcting them and promptly threw his butt in jail.

He did it to prove to police how dumb they were. Well, I think he proved his point.

 

[eboss]

Every bank robber in every movie based on every bank robbery story that ever existed at least took the time to plan ahead before the fuzz brought him down. That didn’t happen this time.

A bank robber drilled through the wrong wall, according to Stuff.co.nz.

He tried to drill into the vault through an adjoining building, but he didn’t do much planning ahead, which is like saying Amelia Earhart didn’t bring her compass before takeoff.

Instead, he ended up in the bank’s bathroom. That’s not entirely bad. Banks have been using money as toilet paper for a long time now.