Dumb criminals

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Here’s a tip guys, if you’re planning on committing some crimes. It might be a good idea to leave the wife at home. Most guys work to get away from their wives anyway.

One robber learned that the hard way when his wife inadvertently led police to his hideout, according to WAFF.com.

The suspect brought his wife to a convenience store each time wearing the same clothes. Guess he had too much of a good thing: a wife that never says, “You’re not wearing that again, are ya?”

Then on the day of the robbery, his wife wrote the clerk a personal check with their name and address on it before her husband lunged across the counter and tried to rob him. The only way it could be twice as sweet is if it bounced.

The clothes and the check put the man behind bars, but here’s the worst part: the story doesn’t say anything about the wife getting arrested. Oh, that’s going to make their next couples therapy session very awkward.

 

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No one likes small cars. After all, this is America, home of the gas guzzling, 10-ton, 12 wheeled truck van helicopter that has cup holders big enough to keep a crock pot all safe and snug. That’s why this crime didn’t happen here.

Some robbers in Malaysia had to leave their loot behind because the getaway car they brought wasn’t big enough to carry it, according to the AP.

The robbers tried to hijack a van loaded with cash, $1.3 million to be exact. That’ll sweeten your weekend or at least make you forget you live in Malaysia. (No offense, Malaysians. I’m sure your country rocks. We still need the hits.)

Unfortunately, the car they stole and planned to stash their stash for their heist could only hold about half of that. They would have more room if it wasn’t for all the clowns.

 

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Earlier this year, we reported on a story about a robber who tried to knock over a store and left his phone number with the clerk so he could give it to the manager and have him call him back to open the safe. Well, where ever that guy is, he can take comfort in knowing that someone finally topped him.

Another man left his driver’s license with the clerk, according to The Morning Call.

The guy enters the store and pulls out his ID so he can buy a pack of cigarettes. You can see where this is going. The guy is eventually going to get cancer.

The guy tries to rob the store but the clerk refuses to give him any money. I guess he had to check with his manager first.

So the guy flees the store, but forgets to keep his ID. The clerk gives the ID to police in the hopes the officers will return it to the guy at a later date.

 

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What happens when a guy gets acquitted of bank robbery? Does he try to clean up his act after being given this rare reprieve in life and live a quiet life of servitude and peace? Take a look at the name of this website and tell me what you think.

A man accused of robbing a bank was acquitted last month in court, so he tried to rob the same bank again, according to the Fresno Bee.

The story says he was acquitted of the first robbery because none of the witnesses could positively identify him. He must not have given them his ID when he went to the teller window.

After his acquittal, he decided to celebrate his victory by going back to the same bank and robbing it again. This is probably one of those guys who loves to press his luck and aim for a whammy every time.

 

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One of Life’s Little Lessons #76: Always remember that what keeps our dreams locked away from us is incompetence.

A robber was foiled by a fast food manager when the manager locked him out of the restaurant, according to the Chattanoogan.

The robber caught the manager in his car and ordered him out of it at gunpoint. The manager, out of habit, asked the robbery for a large Big Bacon Classic with a small fries.

The robber then told the manager to unlock the restaurant. The manager did just that while the robber stood by the car and waited for him. Something tells me this guy didn’t really write his plan down on paper before he executed it because then he’d realize it doesn’t even look good on paper.

The manager ended up locked himself inside the store and called police while the robber took off. Police are looking for a guy who returns to the store to ask the manager if he ever unlocked the restaurant.

 

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It looks like this bank robber just went to pieces. This bank robber’s plan just fell completely apart. I guess this robber’s chances just slip through his fingers and shattered into a million pieces. I’ll stop now.

According to WBNS, a bank robber dropped his gun and broke it during a robbery in Ohio.

The robber entered the bank in the usual costume, produced a weapon and began waving it around and ordering everyone on the floor. Waving a gun around like it’s a cheerleader’s pom-pom. What could possibly go wrong?

He drops the gun and it breaks into a bunch of pieces on the floor. It’s too bad he didn’t have another gun or he could have held the bank up and ordered them to give him another gun.

He picked up the gun pieces and still robbed the bank with it. He got away. but before dropping his getaway car where it broke into a million pieces.

 

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This story might sound like an appropriate subliminal advertisement for the new “Pineapple Express,” opening in theaters everywhere on Aug. 6, but trust us, it’s not. I’d be getting paid a lot more for this crap.

Police arrested two men after they reported a robbery that occurred while they were trying to buy some pot, according to The Wichita Eagle.

The woman claimed someone stole their purse, which was full of money. That’s a ****** place to hide money.

Then they told police they intended to use the money to buy pot. Something tells me they already scored some pot before they got robbed.

So instead, the pair got arrested and charged with suspicion of possession with intent to distribute. They also vowed to find the real pot dealers.

 

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Public nudity is always funny, even if it’s a smoking hot chick who could stop traffic with her killer knobs because chances are she’ll actually stop traffic and cause some kind of massive pile-up. It would bring new meaning to “rubbernecking.”

This naked robber wouldn’t attract the same attention. He stripped down to his shorts, stuffed the dough in his underwear and took off on a bicycle, according to the AP

The suspect robbed an auto parts store and used a toy gun to rob the place ordering them to give him all their money or he wouldn’t shoot them.

He took the money and stuffed it in his underwear, then took off his clothes and fled the scene. I’m surprised that when he took off his clothes that the victims didn’t flee the scene.

Police caught the guy riding his bicycle with the money hidden in his underwear. When police arrived, the man had a load of cash in his shorts but he reportedly wasn’t happy to see them.

 

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folks, this is beyond amusing or funny. Now it’s gotten downright annoying. It’s like that thing your girlfriend does right after you met, you know the thing with the feather and the tub of ice cream, and it’s great at first because you never thought you could experience such joy. But after it’s happened the 567th time, all the joy has been sucked out of it with a Hoover strength vacuum.

According to the Mobile Press-Register, a man was arrested for robbing a gas station after (wait for it) he left his ID at the scene of the crime.

Please folks, if you’re thinking about committing a crime obviously don’t commit the crime because that’s mistake number one, but then don’t leave personal identification for police to find at the scene. That’s what we in the business call a “clue.”

The crook went to the store and put some gas in his car, which technically is a crime committed against him by the oil company these days, but let’s not dwell on that subject.

He leaves, comes back with a gun, demands money from the clerk and then flees the store leaving his license behind at the scene, which contains such pertinent information as his picture, his name and his address. Police called in the crime lab to dust the license for fingerprints, then check the outlining edges to make sure the ID wasn’t a fake and then made sure the signature on the license wasn’t forged by someone else. This was Alabama, after all.